Dreaded self-doubts

Once in a while it hits you: Dating is a bitch (excuse my language). It’s a tough game, you won’t like some of the outcomes and despair some of the ‘side effects’. One of the side effects for me is self-doubt.

I promise, I do try very hard to not let it get to me, but sometimes its just inevitable. And it’s triggered by the simplest moments. It happened again yesterday: A friend of mine told me that she got engaged after Christmas. I am absolutely happy and over the moon for her! Another dear friend of mine gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy a few days ago, after a long period of pain and set-backs. I am thrilled for her and her husband to finally welcoming a little miracle in their family, and I am so looking forward to cuddling the little man. And another lovely friend mentioned that she will move in with her boyfriend soon. Which is great news, I am really pleased for her, he is a great guy.

But all of this makes me see myself: treading water, standing still, not moving forward at all towards the one thing I want most: a relationship with someone who loves me and supports me and who will hold me in his arms in moments of weakness. So why is it that it seems so far out of reach for me? What am I doing wrong, or even worse, what is wrong with me to never being able to grab it? When I sense that I am drifting towards these thoughts I try to remind myself of all the good stuff in my life. I have a great job, even though not much work-life-balance (I am working on this), I have very few but amazing friends, I have the opportunity to go on exciting travels and see new cities and countries. But still, looking behind the façade of materialistic things it leaves the very basic desire of being loved. I can put on a smile, make people assume I am happy and content, most people are happy to accept this as the truth, partly also because it is easier for them. But there are very few people who dare to look closer and they will see that it’s nothing more than a mask. Something to hide behind.

I am hoping that I don’t have to hide much longer, for there is always the fear to lose yourself, I am scared of it. I consider myself a confident and happy-go-lucky person, smart, funny, loyal and not too bad on the eye. So, whilst I don’t want to appear selfish and I couldn’t be happier for my friends to find their personal luck and fulfilment, I would like to shout ‘What about me! I also deserve it!’ Could cupid please listen to me!? Please…

 

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