It’s one of those moments, days, weeks. Darker clouds starting to form over my head. In my mind. It really depends when I catch myself and reach out to friends to help me snap out of it. I am getting better at reaching out, but still prefer to keep to myself at those times and suffer silently. Putting on a brave face, smiling on the outside. Always smiling. Continue reading
Today’s dating business is a messy business. Those who go out there to find a partner meet those who are out there to just have some fun. Both are legitimate reasons to go on dates, but in real life you would spot the differences quite quickly and decide if you want to get into this. Continue reading
During the last few weeks my mind has been spinning, there was always this underlying trail of thoughts and doubts and questions… I don’t know yet where to turn and what to do. My head is a mess. Continue reading
NB: Apologies if this post is a bit too much ‘out there’, but I wanted to put it down as it helps me pinning down my monkey mind. The first few week in the year were hard. I’m not sure why, but I could feel myself drift off again towards that gaping hole of feeling unworthy.
It is the end of January, and it is the first time since my ‘Summer of Change’ half a year ago that I manage to slow down, relax and reflect on what has happened since, take stock of the thoughts that flooded my mind and made me adjust my direction, the realisations and new truths. This sounds rather grand, but it is not really – please bear with me. Continue reading
Happy New Year my friends! May this be an exciting, positive and fun year for all of you! I want to be more relaxed, more focused on myself and my own needs, I will avoid those energy-sucking people around me as much as possible, and surround myself with those that fill my vitality bucket (to say it with Jonathan Field’s words). Continue reading
I conciously started this last year, and I believe it’s a good tradition to follow and build up: looking back at the year, reviewing what happened and how to face the new year and it’s challenges ahead.
And again: what a year it has been! Crikey! Yes, I know I said exactly that a year ago already. But it seems that last year was only the preamble, this year the main story unfolded. I manoeuvred through such an array of events, that looking back now I am quite chuffed that I made it, even more so that I (and that’s just my personal assessment) came out of it as a better person.
So what happened? I do not want to repeat, we can all refer back to this year’s posts. But the main life events of this year were:
- Starting the year full of self doubt, a heavy heart and broken soul.
- Meeting friend guy, falling head over heels in love with him, being strung along into a ‘friendship’ which turned out to be pretty one-sided. After too long finally being able to call him out and put this ‘whatever-it-was-ship’ ad acta.
- Still not speaking to my former best friend, but receiving a wedding invitation to her wedding which I really do not want to go to (but that may be a different story in the new year).
- Trusting an older and dear friend with her judgement of seeking help for my battered soul and self confidence and attending a retreat.
- The retreat that saved my life.
- Being able to open my eyes again to see the world, learning anew to let go, let in, rephrase and reprioritise. Understanding that I am a good person after all, worthy of love and happiness.
- Meeting new and wonderful people, who nourish my soul. I cherish every single one of them. And to strengthen old friendships. Not all friendships survived, but the important ones did, those that give me strength.
- Enjoying my job again.
- To move into my first own home.
- And most importantly: to love myself again.
I know this sounds rather dramatic. But that’s been my feeling for the past few days. I am feeling so emotional, I could cry about most things: a TV advert, a song on the radio, thinking about the lovely text message a friend sent me, seeing my sister and her gorgeous three children. My heart goes out with joy. I’m grateful – that’s it. I really do appreciate the people around me, the wonderful moments and heartwarming sunsets. I have found my mojo again, and isn’t that what I set out to do at the beginning of the year? I have found myself again. Hallelujah!
What do I wish for myself for the next year? Happiness. Fulfilment. More adventures (and yes, my next trip is booked already – wohoo). But also to keep feeding my soul. And before you start to wonder, I am very aware that there will be bad times, down times, bad moods and maybe, probably, more heart ache. But I will do my utmost to not end up broken again.
I will start a podcast, where I’ll be able to talk about anything and everything and with everyone who is willing to join in (those who know me know that I’m a chatterer at heart 😉 ).
And yes, I also want to find my Mr Right. But I’ll be looking in different corners of this universe, and I will not be defined by it anymore. (Fingers crossed. Feel free to remind me of this if need be!)
Oh, and before I forget: I will ignore as long as possible the big birthday looming at the end of the summer. But maybe, hopefully, I’ll celebrate it with some lovely people in an exciting place somewhere in the world :).
Does this sound about right?
I realise I haven’t posted anything for quite a while. I was looking for inspiration. Just now, at 2am, I felt the urge to write at least a short note…
I’ve been thinking a lot about my age lately, where I stand in life right now, where this is compared to how I envisaged my life to be – and one thought keeps coming to my mind: What the hell happened? Continue reading
If you have an Apple device you are well aware of the regular updates you have to run to ensure that your phone or tablet continues to run smoothly. The performance of apps improves with every update, ideally. So, even though you may be annoyed that something doesn’t work 100%, with the next update it is sorted and you do not waste a thought on how less good it performed before the update. Update – new version – sorted. So why is it that we beat ourselves up for actions from months or years ago? Continue reading
…and you have 4 minutes to wow me, and vice versa.
I’ve been to (only) two speed dating events in my life. This is probably two more than most people – I always felt it had a weird ring to it, desperate, last resort -ish or so.
The first time I went about 6 years ago. I still thought that I could meet men outside of the virtual world, face-to-face, wowing them and walk away with a bunch of phone numbers and admirers 😁. Continue reading
I realise I haven’t been writing for a while now. I needed to sort things in my head, it was and sometimes still is such a mess. Using tools and techniques I learned at the retreat, trying to incorporate the thinking into my daily routines, trying to keep my head above the water when I felt like sinking into an emotional spiral again, keeping close contact to the wonderful friends I made at the retreat. In short – I was busy ;-). Continue reading