NB: Apologies if this post is a bit too much ‘out there’, but I wanted to put it down as it helps me pinning down my monkey mind. The first few week in the year were hard. I’m not sure why, but I could feel myself drift off again towards that gaping hole of feeling unworthy.
It is the end of January, and it is the first time since my ‘Summer of Change’ half a year ago that I manage to slow down, relax and reflect on what has happened since, take stock of the thoughts that flooded my mind and made me adjust my direction, the realisations and new truths. This sounds rather grand, but it is not really – please bear with me.
I went to a beautiful island in Thailand to take a break and to spend time with myself, without many distractions and a busy schedule. I have always felt good travelling on my own, but I wanted to consciously test if I would also feel content and appreciative of where I stand in my life. Usually I would have a busy schedule with lots of trips planned and things arranged to fill the ‘void’. And I would always enjoy it – believe me, I love exploring and learning new things, meeting different people and returning from adventures. But this time I stood still (with a few exceptions 😉 ) and listened to myself. I recounted the things I learned about myself last summer and am surprised about how far I have come. I am calmer, without a doubt, and more aware of how I feel and why. I have a better understanding on how to balance the turmoil in my head. I am starting to accept that I am a good person, that I care for ‘my people’, that it is actually not difficult to like me, or to love me – again I have met so many wonderful people who it was easy to connect with – and that I can (possibly definitely) achieve whatever goals I set for myself.
I left the island this morning, I am on the plane back to the big city as I am writing this, and feel incredibly happy and lucky. And so grateful to know that I am on the right path again, my right path. I loved that I took the opportunity to gather my thoughts and now feel ready to march on. I feel strong and assured enough to know that I can master the challenges ahead (and oh boy, there are some I know of already).
I should do this regularly, in fact, I will do this regularly. I will call it the ‘Me, I and Myself’ escape.
I still find it quite astonishing that I needed to reboot in such a radical way last year, that for the first time in my adult life I couldn’t help myself. It still fills me with shame and is hard to admit. And I am still quite shocked that no one around me noticed that I had hit rock bottom. How could they not notice? Maybe they did not care enough? And still, or because of that, I am proud of how much I have grown since and that I am more myself than I have been in a long time. I’m not so afraid anymore to just be me, I know this is enough. For the right people – my people – it is enough.
Happy. Content. Ready.