During the last few weeks my mind has been spinning, there was always this underlying trail of thoughts and doubts and questions… I don’t know yet where to turn and what to do. My head is a mess.Last weekend I went back home for my cousin’s wedding. The wedding was lovely and it was wonderful seeing the family. However, I forgot how much my family is gossiping and talking. It turns out that my nan and uncle thought I was pregnant because I looked as if I put on a bit of weight. That really threw me, and my spinning mind kicked in again. What am I doing here? I will turn 40 this year and here I am, my family wondering if I am pregnant, who from, and in general – why do I still not have a boyfriend/ husband/ other half.
In January I deleted all my dating apps except for one, yesterday I deleted this one as well. Truth is, at the moment I just cannot be bothered to chat, think about witty first messages, doing endless small talk. It’s been months that I met a guy I was interested in and I notice that I have little patience for the boring guys I meet. How can it be that so many have no other interests other than going to the gym? This doesn’t really make for great conversations, especially as I am not the greatest lover of gyms ;-). What happened to art, theatre, sports and music, or talking random nonsense? I had my last first date a couple of days ago. Again – he was nice, but nice is not enough. Nice means nothing. No one else lined up.
So what now? Am I already too cynical to keep up hope to meet someone in real life? I don’t want to be that person. So where do I turn from here? I am a little scared to look around the corner, ugly words like midlife crisis, menopause and loneliness are haunting me. I am not ready yet to walk this way, but at the moment I feel as if my hand is forced. But – I can’t keep walking on right now either, I just can’t face it. At the moment I have no energy to keep on fighting, keep on trying to convince a stranger that I am a good person.
As much as I have worked on myself in the past months, it still feels devastating. I know I shouldn’t doubt myself, but deep down there will always be a flicker of that nagging ‘failure feeling’. Should I start getting used to the idea that ‘this’ will not happen for me?
Maybe the odds for winning the lottery are better than finding a man. How depressing. This is not where I imaged myself to be.
I will pick myself up again, eventually. If we learn one lesson from this: be careful with your words, they can cut as deep as a knife.
PS: Apologies for this negative post, I am just all over the place at the moment.