The end of an era

I realise I haven’t been writing for a while now. I needed to sort things in my head, it was and sometimes still is such a mess. Using tools and techniques I learned at the retreat, trying to incorporate the thinking into my daily routines, trying to keep my head above the water when I felt like sinking into an emotional spiral again, keeping close contact to the wonderful friends I made at the retreat. In short – I was busy ;-).

What are the most important steps that I took? I feel more assured about myself, I am beginning to realise my self-worth. I keep introducing and changing little routines – from starting the day with a positive outlook (say: it’s a new day, you are a new version of yourself, be happy and go and get it) to being more content at work. The process of how to take action, i.e. to take a step back, consider and respond instead of react has already made a big difference in my working life. What would usually wind me up big time, I am now trying to tackle in a calmer mode, so far successfully. Sure, there will be times when I won’t be able to hold it together, but that’s OK. 1% shifts are the important steps, and every step takes me into the right direction.

I am also very grateful for the women I met at the retreat. We share an incredible bond, and they have helped me with some necessary, but truly hurtful decisions. Namely: a meet-up with friend guy… But let me bring you up to speed with events first:

Returning from the retreat and my holidays in mid June, I followed up with him by text because he wanted to know when I am back in the country and when we could meet up. All week I didn’t hear from him, which was fine because I had tried to put this whole saga behind me. On the following weekend I went to Ascot for the horse races and met with a friend for drinks in the city afterwards. On my way back to the station and home, I hear someone behind me shouting my name: it was friend guy with a girl. Honestly – I thought I would pass out. I didn’t expect this, and I really didn’t want to see him with another woman, no matter who she was. He was super excited to see me, wanted to know all about my holiday etc., kept saying ‘we have to catch-up soon’. All I wanted to do was get away…

He called me a couple of days later, I tried to avoid arranging something for a specific date, he was trying to pin me down to agree to a date. I was just so confused. Obviously, I had to expect this sooner or later, but I was (still) not prepared to accept it. Sadly. We loosely agreed a meet up the following week, that day passed without a word and I left it like that. A week later I received a text, apparently he was really ill, apologised for not being in touch etc., saying that now he was on a short holiday in Italy. My alarm bells rang again – the girl I met him with had an Italian name, surely he went there with her? More heart ache. And yes, before you shake your head and tell me to wake up, my brain kind of knew what was going on, but sometimes the distance to the heart is too long, by the time the information gets there it is so diluted it doesn’t make sense anymore. At least that’s my excuse ;-). Again, after this text I left it, only wished him a good holiday and that’s it.

Then last week I received a ‘hey stranger – must catch-up soon’ text from him.

I met with him a couple of days ago, on Saturday. It was glorious weather, the sun was out, and we arranged to meet in a nearby park. Just a few days prior I had cancelled a weekday evening catch-up with him, because I was fearful and worried about how I would react, also because I had seen holiday pictures of them which looked rather loved-up. So I went to the meeting on Saturday with mixed feelings: worried, afraid of his answers to some of my questions, and at the same time excited to see him again. What a mixed bag of emotions (sigh)!  However, I also set myself a target of what I have to achieve that day: 1- ask him whether the girl I met him with is his girlfriend, and 2- be the best version of myself, to make myself proud and to show him what he had dismissed just like that. We met, we talked a lot – about everything and anything – one of the qualities I do like about him, we spoke about the retreat, what it brought for me, what I am now trying to implement and achieve. He is very interested in these topics, too, had a great deal of advice for me, helped me along with some questions. On it goes, fun, banter, laughs, but I didn’t dare asking the important question. My friend send me a short text with direct instructions to not chicken out, to stick to my new values and standards and to ask the question, so I can leave it all behind and can’t trick myself into wondering about what ifs. So I did it – I asked, and of course, he is dating this girl. I pushed even further and said that I think she is his girlfriend, given they went on holiday together, and he sort of admitted to it being the start of something.

There I had it. I was happy for him, I really was. But at the same time I felt hurt (very hurt), cheated on, hugely disappointed, jealous and envious. What does she have that I don’t, they met just shortly after the wedding incident, why, why, why? All not very nice feelings. BUT, I have to put it behind me. I confessed that I felt very apprehensive about meeting him, and that I still really like him. Nevertheless, I am sure that we will be good friends eventually. We have paved the path and can start walking on it, in mini baby steps. All is said, all we have to do is start afresh in the here and now, moving forward putting this behind us. At least I am determined to do this. I am still of the opinion that he is a genuinely good guy, so I will cherish whatever he can bring to make my life better, but I will not build it around him – he will bring to me whatever is possible, not me giving too much to him. I will keep my distance , he should not be my first thought in the morning and my last in the evening (which unfortunately still happens) and I will be happy within myself and find someone else, who ticks all of the boxes he ticked plus the ‘he’s crazy about you’ box.

Fighting my way through this assortment of emotions, one feeling does take centre stage: Relief. And liberation.

This was it – the friend guy saga is finished. Really. Truly. 😉 Please have your fingers crossed for me and my search for Mr Right, I still haven’t given up hope that he is out there, somewhere.



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