The talk or What now?

Yesterday it was the day of ‘the talk’. Gosh, I was so nervous! Unbelievably nervous. I woke up at 5am, wide awake, heart racing. I tried to distract myself but it seemed impossible to get anything done. I finally resorted to doing some meditation. This helped me to calm down and by about 7am I was able to get ready for work.

The day passed slowly. Not only had he not texted yet on where and when to meet, even though he said he would do it, I didn’t do myself any favours and let my mind run wild. A good friend of mine, who I work with, took me aside and had a word ;-). This calmed me down. It’s amazing how I always manage to work myself up so much…! I texted him after lunch and he got back to me rather quickly, suggesting a few venues in the city and also to cook dinner for us at his place. So obviously, I opted for his place! It seemed like the best place. We’d have some privacy to talk, we can cook and avoid awkwardness if it comes up (even though I doubted that would happen). And off I went, quite nervous, and really looking forward to seeing him.

I was wondering how we would greet each other. Would we kiss (after all he kissed me goodbye the last time I saw him on Sunday), would we hug and give each other a kiss on the cheek (what we normally did). That would be the first indication on what ‘this’/ our situation is. He opened the door and gave me a big hug. That was this question answered… 😉 He went straight into chef mode and started cooking, making sure I had a drink, checked if I wanted some nibbles, told me to relax and sit down. I was not allowed to help with the cooking. So we (well, he – ha ha) cooked a delicious meal, chatting along, telling each other about our week at work, about our evenings out with friends, laughing and recalling stories and jokes from the wedding we went to on Saturday. We had a great time, the dinner was delicious (soy tuna steak, if you want to know). It was like always.

His housemate returned home, so we retreated from the kitchen to his room. And yes, you would think that now was time to talk. Giggle – both of us clearly knew that, but hey, we are great in procrastinating… ha ha. So we watched a movie! Would you believe it?! After the movie we switched on some random show on Netflix, and then I said that I think it was time to talk. This was at about 10pm. I arrived at his place at 6.30pm. Enough time to get used to the idea, me thinks…

He was very open, started explaining how he feels, how he feels about me, how much he enjoys spending time with me, and that his mind is not set on any relationship at the moment, that he is focussed on his personal development. Which is all good and fair enough. That’s what he told me from the beginning, when he ‘offered’ friendship in December. I explained how I feel towards him, that I really like him and love our time together. That I would have given it a go. I also told him, that I need to now get my head around our situation, and figure out for myself if and how I can handle going on being friends with him.

Despite all the valid arguments and obvious points I acknowledge, it was very clear for both of us that we value very much our friendship, that we do trust each other and that we can always be honest with each other. For me, this is something very precious. I know about false or dishonest friendships, so I treasure this one. Will it do me any good? Will it me venturing out into the dating scene again? I’d like to say no, and I will definitely do my best to separate one from the other. But who knows, I may have to re-assess in a few months.

You may remember that I found this saying that describes perfectly how I feel about him: ‘You make my heart smile’. I felt relieved that he now knew how I feel about him, and have felt about him for the past few months. And vice versa. He also admitted to having been tempted a few times in the last months to just pull me close and kiss me. I am not sure if guys can separate their own mind set and goals from romance, can they really only focus on one thing? Not sure about this… Or maybe it was his gentle way of saying that I didn’t sweep him off his feet. This is a question I don’t want to ask, to be honest, I would rather not hear the answer.

However, as bad as the evening went from a romantic point of view, I was much calmer when I left. We had talked a lot, for about 2 hours. It was just about midnight when I jumped into my taxi home. As soon as I sat in the cab, he texted me ‘I really value and enjoy our friendship very  much! xx It’s always great to see you! Let me know when you get home. xx’. And I felt fine. Ish. And I sent him the saying I mention above, his reply ‘You too x’. *big grin*

When I woke up this morning I felt sad. Sad for a great missed opportunity. I felt a little flash of despair and something like ‘what if this was my last chance?’ crossed my mind. Now I am intend on reminding myself that I still have a good friend at my side, who is a truly good guy, and must keep my eyes open for someone falls in love with me.

Fingers crossed. And I may need a gentle reminder once in a while to not stray away from the right path. Because as always: hope dies last. That’s me hoping to find my Mr Right.

the talk

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