Hyperactive mind

Only one day has passed since ‘the talk’ was arranged, two more to go. And I am telling you, today felt twice as long as any other normal day… I have replayed a thousand times every word that was said, every gesture and move that was made. I analysed every syllable and double checked its meaning with my friends.

I receive so much mixed feedback, that I am now so confused and don’t know anymore what to believe and what not. Even though it helps me to calm me down, because it confirms my own thoughts or points out stuff I hadn’t thought about before. But what is the result of my hyperactive imagination and what reality?

Why do I do that to myself? I look at myself from the side line and want to shout ‘Calm down girl! Stop it, use your brain!’ but it seems impossible. Why do I get so caught up in this whirlwind of emotions? I don’t often fall for guys, it is so rare that I feel attracted to someone. And with this guy I also feel some sort of connection. Is that only the case for me and not for him? I think I know, but I will find out for sure in two days. However, it is very clear that we clicked on some level, both of us. So do I want this to work too badly? Can one want something too much? Or should we try our utmost and best to make something work, and give all we have so that we do not look back and regret to not having tried everything possible?

Unfortunately that’s my pattern, I always try and fight until I am lying on the ground, exhausted. Only then I seem to be able to admit defeat and give up (or give in? refocus?). So I guess this is what will happen here as well.

Heaven save me. I will need all the good karma I can get. And hope that he wants me.


2 thoughts on “Hyperactive mind

  1. You do a really good job here of conveying the agony of waiting! Reminded me very strongly of what I went through when waiting for the chat I wrote about in this post: https://exhibitunadorned.com/2016/03/21/pickled-ginger/.

    Obviously I hope your outcome is a better one. My main advice right now is actually to ignore all the input/feedback you’re getting from others – they obviously know even less about what this guy is thinking than you do, and the key to making sure you handle the conversation in the best/calmest way is to avoid going in with fixed expectations of what he might say. Find a way to clear your head, rather than stuffing it full of potential scenarios.

    Liked by 1 person

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