I wanna be loved by you

So many love songs… ‘I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you’, ‘All you  need is love, da da da-da-daaa’… And so many more, this is just what literally came to my mind within a second. They all say it… LOVE.

I am in a weird mood this evening. I came home and was all of a sudden hit by a bang of loneliness. Sometimes I feel so lonely, even though my diary is full, filled with activities for each day and meet ups with friends and acquaintances to keep me occupied and my mind busy. But then there are moments like this one – bang! – and all good intentions evaporate, gone with a blink of the eye. Even before tears start rolling down my cheek. And I can have the  best intentions to be positive, to be proud of what I have achieved. Always, always will there be the silent longing for someone to love me, to hear me, to understand me and to hold me.

When I was a teenager I was convinced and I told everyone about it, that when I am 25 years old I will be married and have two kids. Now I am in my late thirties and I have not achieved a single bit of it. Sure, I have a good job, I moved abroad and I travelled, but that’s not what my heart longs for. It’s disheartening to see everyone around you racing past; it feels as if my accelerator is broken and I am slowly creeping towards the emergency lane. Failure is screaming at me.

I was sent a link to an article earlier this evening about grief of single women above 35. It resonated with me. Deeply. And maybe it explains a few things. Am I grieving for the relationship I haven’t had in my thirties, for the family I couldn’t build, for the child I couldn’t give birth to and hold? It’s not a midlife-crisis. It’s grief, which feels so much worse.

I know, never lose hope, be positive. I wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t find a glimmer of hope. But still, what would I give to being able to let down my guard and be me, not the strong, independent woman – but the insecure, emotional and dependent woman.

Until I fall apart.

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