It’s one of those moments, days, weeks. Darker clouds starting to form over my head. In my mind. It really depends when I catch myself and reach out to friends to help me snap out of it. I am getting better at reaching out, but still prefer to keep to myself at those times and suffer silently. Putting on a brave face, smiling on the outside. Always smiling.
What triggers it? I am not entirely sure. All of a sudden it flares up, I look in the mirror and could burst out in tears. So pretty, successful, clever, fun. But all I feel is I so little, insignificant, dull, as if no one takes notice of me. Again those thoughts: If I had an accident now, who would visit me in hospital? Who are my family, who are my friends? In my mind it would only be a handful of people, max. I know – this is rather dramatic and over the top, but I am sure I am not the only one?
And I feel bad for it, and silly to think like that. Really, on the surface there is not much for me to be unhappy about, I have more than I need. But still… that’s on the surface only. I recently read about the need for every human being to feel as if they belong. And belonging may mean something different to everyone. For me it means to be surrounded by people who love, appreciate and nurture me. It is not so much a place to be but an emotional home, if that makes sense.
So what does this say about me right now? There is definitely not much love in the air, whatever kind of love. This makes me incredibly sad. And even though I have been out and about a lot recently and been to amazing places and events with mates, I need some me-time. I forgot about this – I need to schedule some time just for myself. Isn’t that crazy that I have to put that in my calendar? So, this is what I’ll do in the coming days. I will reach out to my friends who I know I can talk to about this and recharge my batteries. So bear with me, I’ll be fine again, in a couple of days.