I realise I haven’t posted anything for quite a while. I was looking for inspiration. Just now, at 2am, I felt the urge to write at least a short note…
I’ve been thinking a lot about my age lately, where I stand in life right now, where this is compared to how I envisaged my life to be – and one thought keeps coming to my mind: What the hell happened? How did I get here, one year to go until I reach the big 4-0, with no family of my own, no man at my side, with friends disappearing into the black hole of ‘couple-hood’. Yes, admittedly, I have a good job and a nice home, I go travelling and collect wonderful memories. But ultimately that’s not what I want. How is it possible that I missed my target by that much? It seems as it’s no-where near…! How can I get there, back on track?
I got a new haircut today, which in a way marked the end of a very transformational past few months. And I love it. But sitting at the hairdresser’s today and looking at myself in the mirror I thought ‘Who am I kidding?’. This is not IT. This is not what my heart longs for. And all of a sudden I felt very lost and everything seemed pointless. The keeping happy part, the moving forward part, the keeping busy part, the making the best of it part. I know that I should not try to find happiness and fulfillment in someone else, but still… It’s a nagging feeling.
So what happened? How did I get here? When my mother turned 40, I was 22. She had an adult daughter – I have an empty flat to go home to after work.
What the hell…!