What happened?

I realise I haven’t posted anything for quite a while. I was looking for inspiration. Just now, at 2am, I felt the urge to write at least a short note…

I’ve been thinking a lot about my age lately, where I stand in life right now, where this is compared to how I envisaged my life to be – and one thought keeps coming to my mind: What the hell happened? How did I get here, one year to go until I reach the big 4-0, with no family of my own, no man at my side, with friends disappearing into the black hole of ‘couple-hood’. Yes, admittedly, I have a good job and a nice home, I go travelling and collect wonderful memories. But ultimately that’s not what I want. How is it possible that I missed my target by that much? It seems as it’s no-where near…! How can I get there, back on track?

I got a new haircut today, which in a way marked the end of a very transformational past few months. And I love it. But sitting at the hairdresser’s today and looking at myself in the mirror I thought ‘Who am I kidding?’. This is not IT. This is not what my heart longs for. And all of a sudden I felt very lost and everything seemed pointless. The keeping happy part, the moving forward part, the keeping busy part, the making the best of it part. I know that I should not try to find happiness and fulfillment in someone else, but still… It’s a nagging feeling.

So what happened? How did I get here? When my mother turned 40, I was 22. She had an adult daughter – I have an empty flat to go home to after work.

What the hell…!

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7 thoughts on “What happened?

  1. This happens to everyone….not just as a single person at 40…I asked myself that same question when I went through a divorce 8 years ago…having been married for 25 years…had 2 great kids…and was now alone…I never thought I would be divorced…my friends thought we were the least likely couple to divorce too…..;) ❤ Believe me…you are not the only one….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel rather the same. It leads to the most painful self-examination, which my friends have requested I cease doing.
    I have decided it is simply luck – right place, right time, right frame of mind. Just once – once! – I would like bit of good luck with men. Hasn’t happened for a long while.
    In the meantime I have decided meaningless sex will do again, for a while… xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Luckily I don’t do it that often anymore. It’s not pretty… And I’m trying to be nice to myself. But sometimes it kicks through, right in my face 😦 But I know, we are all fighting with our demons. Good luck with yours! xx

      Like

    1. I’m somewhat relieved that it’s the same (kind off) for men… I’m still trying to get my head around all of it, and am too scared to think that it’s too late for me. I’m not prepared for this yet.

      So yes, chin up, keep hoping.

      Like

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