I started chatting to this guy a few weeks back. He is responsive, funny, interested in me and how I tick. After a few days chatting via the app he suggested to talk on the phone – he called and we talked for nearly two hours. I liked his voice, I enjoyed talking about the non-generic stuff and we seem to have quite a few things in common. Before finishing the phone call he asked me out on a date, we agreed date and time. Old school – yesss! I like it.
We met and he was lovely. We had good chat but something was missing, I can’t put my finger on what it is. Sigh! I was a bit surprised that at the end of the evening we didn’t agree the next date, and the next few days were very quiet, until I got back in touch and since then we talk every day. We spoke on the phone again (I really do enjoy our phone calls) and the next date is arranged for early next week. But there is still the question about what is missing…
A couple of days ago I met with my friend for lunch and told her about it, that he really is a good guy. I dated a few of those good guys in the past and there was always something I wasn’t sure about. Then we stopped dating, they met someone else and are now married to that woman. I don’t want to always be the woman who dismisses the good guys because of something. And my friend said ‘maybe it is you who has commitment issues’. As shocked as I was, it is a valid point to consider. Do I have commitment issues? Since then I was contemplating this statement, what could be the cause and how can I – if it really is the case – stop it?
Looking into this a bit more, it seems the main reasons for commitment issues are
- Fear of, or having had, the relationship end without notice or signs;
- Fear of not being in the “right” relationship;
- Fear of, or having been in, an unhealthy relationship (characterized by abandonment, infidelity, abuse, etc.);
- Trust issues because of past hurts by those close to the person;
- Complicated family dynamics while growing up.
Looking at this list, I feel as if everybody can tick at least one of those boxes. Have we forgotten how to cope with life? Are we overly sensitive? Do we expect too much from our potential partner? Because nowadays we expect them to play various roles: lover, friend, business supporter, therapist, etc.; if they are not living up to any of those roles we feel unloved or ignored.
So the question for me is: Do I allow time to fill this something-gap? Should I try and make this work? I don’t want to dismiss another good guy who then goes and marries the next girl he meets. All I want is to find someone who loves me, who doesn’t give up on me too easily (and who I don’t give up on either).