When is enough ‘enough’? How much can we take until we break down, until we give up, until we give in, until we say ‘whatever, but make it stop’?
I often wonder whether I endure too much pain and heartache until I let go. And also, is it really worth it? Is anyone or anything worth it that you go through such a low and painful period? Is it worth it loosing so much of yourself in the process that your healing or recuperation time takes forever until you feel normal and yourself again?
I am an emotional person and I express it – if I feel happy I will make it known, if I feel sad people can tell. You can literally read my face and you know where you are at. I overthink, too. And I believe in the good of people, and grant more than two chances to make things right. All of this together makes me an enduring sufferer (is that a word?). If I believe in good intentions or that someone is ‘waiting for the right moment’ I will accept pain without any hesitation. But should I? Should I accept to be treated like this? Should I accept that everyone else doesn’t seem care how I feel, or that I won’t explode. Should I accept that I have my heart broken so many times? Why do I get myself to breaking point in the process of ‘hoping for the best’?
Is it a question of stubbornness, not wanting to give up? Is it giving up or just admitting defeat and moving on? And is it defeat or rather a point when you learn about yourself and make a healthy or sensible choice or decision?
So, how often will I meet up with my guy friend until I either admit to him that I really like him or refuse to go out with him again and potentially loose a good friend? For how much longer can I tell myself that it’s worth it, that meeting someone I feel connected with and on the same wavelength is worth it being in a constant limbo. I feel tired, I go through a loop of highs and lows a day and it doesn’t feel healthy. Is it better to give up on that connection or to get used to this ‘wanting more feeling’?
When do I reach the point when I can say to a friend that I do not believe he or she wants the best for me and is actually not a good friend. Am I too forgiving? Is there such a thing? Is it a good character trait or a sign of weakness?
I am much more assertive in my job, probably because feelings shouldn’t interfere with your business relationships. Even though I have to remind myself about this from time to time, too ;-). Do I have two competing personalities? Ha ha…
I envy those people who can just step away from a situation. Who can say ‘up to this point and no further’. Who can distract themselves from a situation, person or relationship. I always feel compelled to give all of me, to try until the very end – just to be able to say that I haven’t missed a chance and I tried my very best. Unfortunately, ‘the very end’ is draining me of energy and positivity. I do set boundaries for myself, and I try to stick to it. But it’s just too easy to move it slightly when you want something to happen.
The question is, do other people try their very best with me? Do they try to understand me, to feel for and with me? Sadly, oftentimes I doubt it. What does this say about the people around me? When is enough ‘enough’?
A good friend of mine told me recently, that one of the things he admires most is my ability to stand up again and have a positive and open outlook on life. That I always manage to get up, brush myself off, smile and walk right into the next drama believing that eventually something good will come out of it. I felt very touched and grateful to hear this, because I oftentimes feel it’s a negative characteristic.
And please don’t get me wrong, I am not a gloomy and negative person at all, to the contrary: I like to thing about myself as happy and outgoing and fun. The glass is always half full. But deep down sometimes I wonder. And it’s not something I would talk about normally.
My mantra is ‘Keep smiling! All will be well.‘ This is how I want to like to walk through life, because being positive is better and healthier than being miserable. Plus, it attracts positive people.
I hope this makes sense to you guys. Let me know what you think. It would be great to hear your thoughts!